


This Thing That I'm Saying

by Drippin_w_alchemy



Series: Either/Or [1]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Book Spoilers, Canon Compliant, College, F/M, M/M, Pining, Summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 10:41:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14134404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drippin_w_alchemy/pseuds/Drippin_w_alchemy
Summary: Simon and his friends have graduated from Creekside and are ready to enjoy their last summer together. Hanging out at Leah's one afternoon, Simon, Bram, Leah and Abby make plans for the rest of their time together.Canon compliant with Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens AgendaTegan & Sara - Call It Off:YouTube





	This Thing That I'm Saying

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first foray into fan fiction! Thanks to Becky Albertalli for creating this wonderful universe and inspiring so many of us to explore different parts of ourselves through these characters.

“I can’t believe you guys talked me into getting my face painted before we took all these” Leah groans.

“Aw, Leah that cat on your cheek is so cute though!” Abby exclaims.

“That’s Totoro,” Leah says, never missing a chance to correct Abby or an opportunity to talk about anime. “He’s like a giant rabbit forest spirit or maybe a small bear? It’s unclear.”

“Thanks for clarifying,” Abby deadpans, “Can’t believe I got a diploma never knowing who Totoro was.”

Graduation was a week ago, and we’re going through pictures from the senior party on Leah’s deck. I guess a couple of years before Alice was in high school some kids had left graduation and gone to a party where there was alcohol and they all drove home drunk. They were in a pretty bad car accident and one of them even died, at least that’s what the rumor was. Ever since, Creekwood has had a mandatory Senior Party right after graduation. All the seniors head to the school which is decked out in Creekwood color balloons, full of food, and set up with events and activities to occupy our time all night. We had gotten our faces painted, then decided it was a good idea to head to the photo booth. It’s pretty lame but we all secretly (OK very openly) had been psyched about it for weeks.

“Not a problem, we still have all summer to knock out that Miyazaki marathon you guys promised me!” Leah says with a smirk.

“Yes! And that _Buffy_ marathon we’ve been talking about FOREVER. I still can’t believe you think I’m Cordelia-” Abby laughs, missing Leah’s purposefully obvious eye roll.

“Hey we talked about this,” Bram interjects, “we’re done making plans for this summer, graduation was a full week ago! Let’s start making some headway on this list of ours.”

“Yaaasss!” Abby howls, “we could really make some progress if Nick would hurry up already! Where is he? It’s not like our coffee order has changed over the last two years.”

Leah and Abby start guessing what was taking Nick so long: he had forgotten the drinks on top of his car again and they flew off as he clipped the corner out of the parking lot, he’d gone home to change out of his work clothes to look nice for Abby, he was at the hospital from burning himself on the cappuccino maker again.

Bram turns to me “You OK? You’ve been quiet since we got here.”

I realized I wasn’t talking as much today but honestly, I'm fine with that. I like listening to my friends talk, soaking up their banter. I woke up after the senior party reliving how much fun we had getting our faces painted, playing giant Jenga, Bram even did a cake walk but the prizes were a bunch of ridiculous pairs of boxers. All the soccer guys won a pair and wore them over their jeans, except Bram of course, he was so modest I think having anyone see him in his underwear even with a full set of clothes on would cause him to disintegrate (‘cept me of course). Since the party though I realized I had taken a back seat with my friends, watching them joke and make all our plans for the summer was something I knew was quickly going to change. After all we’re starting college in August, and aside from Leah and I we’re all scattering, even Bram and I, but I can’t think about that yet, I won’t.

“Yeah, I’m good,”  I say, grabbing his hand. “I’m just really happy it’s a Thursday afternoon and I’m somewhere other than Calculus.” God, why did I think Calculus was a good idea, college credit be damned there’s no way it was worth all that grief, although I did get to use the “Mom I need to go to Bram’s for help with Calc” excuse pretty loosely.

“Simon look at this picture of you and Bram!” Abby cooes, holding up her phone. Someone had taken a bunch of the “winners” from the night and posted them to Creeksecrets. On her phone is a picture of Bram and I laughing, me with my head buried in his neck, a hint of the Harry Potter scar I had painted on my forehead peaking out between my hair. Bram got a soccer ball on his cheek, he said it was the boring and obvious choice, I told him it was authentic. I smile and stifle this weird feeling in my chest that maybe words like ‘forever’ don’t mean what they used to.

“Oh my God look at all the hashtags on this!” Leah says grabbing the phone. “#CoupleGoals #Gay #Boyfriends #Spierfeld, you guys this is seriously giving me heartburn it’s so dumb and cute.”

“Aw, I love that picture Babe” Bram says squeezing my hand. We exchange side glances and I know he’s as over it as I am. Ever since we came out Junior year there seemed to of amassed a low key following on the Tumblr of straight girls who had essentially turned us into a meme. At first it was flattering and felt empowering almost, but it quickly became a very high key freaking nightmare. Leah says straight girls fetishize gay guys because we subconsciously remind them of what a heartthrob could look like in the absence of toxic masculinity (Leah started reading a lot of queer books when we came out to be supportive, she’s kind of like my gay guru). Bram has never been one for the spotlight and heck I had gotten so used to being an extra in musicals I never thought I would be at the center of my own story one day, let alone one about love. _Dammit there’s that feeling again_. Like my heart is beating in my throat and if I speak my friends will get covered in blood. I wonder if Elliott Smith ever wrote a song about this feeling, I doubt it, but I mentally add going through his song book when I get home to the other list of things to do this summer.

Leah senses Bram’s tone. “Look it’s weird for sure, and a lot of these sophomores really should be focusing on studying for the SATs, not fantasizing about you two.”

“Oh wow” Bram says under his breath. I think the idea of anyone but me fantasizing about him makes him nervous, let alone a 16 year old girl.

“But there’s a lot of people who look up to you for legit reasons, people you’ve inspired and people you helped in ways you can’t even fathom, just by being yourselves,” Leah goes on, “that comes with some responsibility so just revel in it while you can.”

Bram’s holding my hand tighter and locks his fingers with mine. I know what he’s saying as soon as he adjusts his hand. Sometimes I can’t believe how special he makes me feel. After prom, we all slept over at Nick’s house in his basement, Bram and I on a pile of blankets underneath his stairs (I may have made a scene to ensure we got the most Harry Potter spot in the basement possible). He fell asleep with his face towards me, his forearms wrapped up in mine. I must’ve stayed up for hours after he drifted off just looking at him, at his perfect knobby fingers and his gentle angled face barely visible in the light of Nick’s VCR clock. How could I be this happy at 18? Who gets to be this blissed out of their mind so early in life? I can’t help but think this means something is coming, I start thinking about the word forever again.

“Yeah guys sorry you’re so dang CUTE!” Abby chimes completely over exaggerated and thank god because this all got way too real way too quickly for how I’m feeling today.

“What gives you NEVER tell me I’m cute!” Nick runs in carrying five iced coffees and his guitar.

Leah and Abby look him up and down. “Definitely went home and changed,” Leah says staring at Nick’s henley.

“Oh you’re not foolin’ anyone with this caught up at work business babe, I smell your body spray from here, what did I tell you about that stuff?” Abby says “You won’t make any friends in Athens wearing that junk”.

“Hey I’m trying to save as much as I can for college and deodorant is expensive!” Nick replies. “Plus I’ve got like 6 flavors left from middle school, this one’s called _Beast Mode_ ”.

“That’s horrifying.” Leah says grabbing her drink.

“Yeah please go shower this is not working for me” Abby says grabbing her coffee and pushing Nick’s face away playfully.

Bram and I both start cracking up as Nick slinks off to shower.

“OK you guys so let’s get to work on this summer then!” Abby says. “What should we do first?”

“Well I was thinking,” Bram says. “We had talked about getting away to the lake, I could ask my Dad maybe about going to his lakehouse next weekend?”

“Bram that’s brilliant!” Leah exclaims. “We should get out of town, I’m so sick of all these grad parties anyways. We get it Taylor Metternich, you’re going to Juilliard, I do not need to eat that information off a fucking cookie.”

“What do you think Si, want to go away next weekend?” Bram asks me. All I can think of is going away with him forever, whatever that means to me now.

“Let’s do it” I say with a smirk.

“What is who doing?” Nick yells from upstairs.

“We’re getting outta Dodge Eisner!” Abby yells back to him. “Make sure you get work off next weekend.”

Nick comes barreling back downstairs. “Yes! I love the lake, dibs top bunk!” Nick says without any hint of irony and Abby rolls her eyes and smiles into her hoodie.

Nick’s grabs his guitar. “Any requests?” He says.

“Play something to cheer Spier up” Leah says. “Where you at today Si?”

I’m a lot of places. I’m here, with my best friends, with my boyfriend. Shady Creek, my home my entire life, soon to be where I grew up. I’m at the end of Summer, I’m at Thanksgiving break when we’ll all be back and I’m even further out than that. I’m thinking about where I was, before I came out, when I met Blue, when I realized he was Bram. I’m everywhere between then and now. Once in physics our teacher said Einstein thought time was a circle and we could theoretically experience all of existence at once in the right dimension. I wonder if Einstein realized that before moving away to college.

“I’m just thinking about how much we still have left to do this summer!” I sigh. “How about some Tegan & Sara?”

“Aw Simon they’re so sad though!” Abby groans.

“That’s the whole point!” I exclaim and Bram starts to laugh cause I swear I’ve had this conversation with him so many times he could write a thesis on it.

“As you wish” says Nick, and he launches into an acoustic Leah’s deck version of _Call it Off_. Leah grabs Abby’s arm and gives her a side hug, Abby whips out her phone and starts an Instagram story filming Nick, he really is a good singer.

_Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at_

_Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at._

Bram plops his feet up on my lap and I squeeze his calves, his cute firm soccer calves already starting to bronze from the week we’ve been out of school. I listen to Nick, to Tegan & Sara and look around and let myself feel what I’m feeling. I look at Abby and Leah, swooning and laughing and exuding the freedom that comes with this golden space between high school and college. I look at Bram, and oh my god it’s like looking at an eclipse, every muscle in my body transfixed on him while my nerves simultaneously burst into flames from how beautiful he is. I let myself be in this moment in my life, for today and for all the days that still remain in this perfect group of humans I get to call my home.

_But now we'll never know_

_I won't be sad, but in case I go there_

_Everyday, to make myself feel bad_

_There's a chance that I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do._

Leah and Abby chime in on the _now we’ll never_ , and I close my eyes and feel the sun speckle my face through the leaves of Leah’s oak tree. I wonder if this happiness, _our happiness,_ is worth the risk of the sadness it keeps at bay. It has to be, I tell myself as I hum the harmony and return to right now.


End file.
